If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
