i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
