If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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