There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
