ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
