I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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