Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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