I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
