My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
