Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
