singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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