Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
