Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Randomize
