If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
