I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
