Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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