From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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