soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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