i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
