I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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