We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
