There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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