Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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