So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
