Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
