You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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