i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
