It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
