I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize