ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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