what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
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