Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
