her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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