What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
