I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
