Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
