my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
