Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
