My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize