i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
