Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize