So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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