he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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