it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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