My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I need to calm my uterus...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
