When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
