got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
