I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize