What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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