matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
false alarm, still single
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