I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
