I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
