Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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