I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Are my feet made of real feet?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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