Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
