Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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