Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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