Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
